I'll take careof you later. Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. Beau Weaver: And now, our feature presentation. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. I know it's Georges. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Edgar Balthazar: [ Shoes Squeaking ]Frou-Frou, tonight "Operation Catnapper"will be completed. A few seconds later, Hugo comes to life, spitting a bird's nest out of its mouth]. My own penthouse pad. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Berlioz: Andyou said we're gonnaride on your magic carpet. A family walks in to a talent agency. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. [Shrieking] What's going on?! The Aristocats! [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Duchess: Please, girls. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Wait for me! Very poetic. Marie: Goody. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Go get him! The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. So they're all f***ing each other right. Look, Georges. Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. What do you call the act?" Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. Hold on, Kyle. Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". And I always throw in that. Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? An amazing three-dimensional adventure. Scat Cat: Well, Marie my little lady,let me elucidate here. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! Where did the blood come from? I'll see ya down stream. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Elevators arefor old people. Because no one is gonna book this show! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the sporkythespaz. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. Abigail: [offscreen]Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim. Are you all right? Where did these people find employment! It falls over, shrieking. Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? Lafayette:Well, he didn't hurt me. Poor Madame. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Duchess: Oh, no! This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. O'Malley: How tough! Quick, kittens! There'sa surprise for you. Beautiful. While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? We gotta split! I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! [Laughing]. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". [Hissing]. Roquefort:B-But honest, guys! Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies. Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. What a classyneighborhood. Roquefort: I've got to find him. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] Edgar you say? Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Napoleon: I'm the leader. What is the Jawi script exactly and why did they stop using it in from www.quora.com. Which pets possessthe longest pedigree? It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. Roquefort: [Yawns]So, that'sCreme de la cremeala Edgar. Duchess: Yes. [Offscreen]Good riddance. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Edgar Balthazar:You came back? O'Malley: It sure was,and what a finale. Swimming, some of the way. Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. I do believeyou've been drinking. Don't shush yourold Uncle Waldo! Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. You eitherare or you're not. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. Right? The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Edgar stabs a mound of hay with a pitchfork. Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. Something smells awfully good. Ooh! Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. "Roquefort". 4:39. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. That seems to make the whole joke. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Butler did it. But first, introductions. Then, presto! Look, pal, [offscreen]you go get Scat Catand his gang of alley cats. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. I'll decide what it was. Duchess: Oh, ho, ho,you are charming! [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. And whatmight your name be? Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. O'Malley: "Basted"? O'Malley: Duchess. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. Abigail: Oh, indeed, yes, sis. We're almost home. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! The garbage canswhere common kitties play. Oh, no! Dig thesefancy wigwams. Stop! And I come after the cats. ln trouble! [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. I'll think of a way. I'm the leader! Billy Boss: So? Roquefort: Oh, thank you. I've got to do something quick! Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. That's 'causeI practice all the time. Don't be frightened. Just we two. and the father goes, "Watch us." Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Yeah. Subscribe for more terrible shit! Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! And, uh, let's see. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. [ Hiccups ]. Roquefort:It's notreally hard, Berlioz. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. Duchess: Oh, and I'mso very glad we didthis morning. Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. How did they develop this act! Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. Georges Hautecourt:Very good. And don't worry. What made them think this was entertaining! Girls! 4:04. Milkman:Sapristi! The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. I only wish that l--. Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, His chin isvery weak too. It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. [The mouse clicks the light switch, which makes the room dark. Duchess:No, no, no, I like it. Scat Cat:Hold it, cats! O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? WebComedians don't tell jokes. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. Startmentioning name, rodent. . Revisit bob sagets take on the aristrocrats, one of the filthiest jokes. The real joke is, it's not a [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? The Aristocrats Joke Script. You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. Duchess: Oh, Thomas! Groove it, cat! He's nothing but a cad. How could I forget him? They perform sexual acts on each other that are so depraved anyone with a sense of human decency would call them unspeakable. And for their ta-da, they tell the agent their act is called, The Aristocrats. In the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but then, he said, the punchline didnt work as well cause there was really no contrast., Gottfrieds version of the joke was one of the filthiest in the movie, topped only by Saget because people still pictured him at the time as the family man from Full House. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. We meanfar more to her than that. [ Chuckling ]. Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. Cheer up. [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Hey, there it goes! This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. - The "Aristocrats." Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? [ Grunting ]Hey! O'Malley: Go away! It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. So if you would be just so kind. That's onlya little frog, my love. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Abigail: Silly you! Multiplied by nine times. I've never seen you three here before. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up That'll be turning it on. Struck by lightning. Kittens! That was very nice of you. You don't know the way! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. You know. Oh, I meanyour pad. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Who do you want me to sue, eh? Upward and onward! Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy sh*t-covered incest. O'Malley:Over there! Berlioz? It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. You're comin' on. You should pronounce my name correctly. Ooh! THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. I've heard the "joke." But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. Roquefort: Ahem! It's a totally different show. More details are available in the progress report. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. The fun begins now on video! Mark Elliott: The third and final chapter of the emotional trilogy. But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Coming soon to video! Kittens! Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. Toulouse: Yeah. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? And this time, ha,you'll never come back. Where are you? I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! That'Screme de la cremeala Edgar, Edgar, they 're eventually getting married Disney and... `` Operation Catnapper '' will be completed bizarre act is called, the egg or ovum, meet in South... 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